My fiancée bought me this book a while ago, 'The Wounded Heart' by Dr. Allender. I had mentioned something about my feelings of isolation. I'm the only person I know in my life situation right now. It's like being the only person in a crowd with an obvious limp or something.
Dr Allender is a Christian psychologist, and that was the other reason Joseph bought me the book- see, we'd be on like, on the same wavelength. The book was insulting, and definitely written in a holier- than- thou tone. One of the reasons it was insulting?
Ignoring the fact that it was telling me that I should actively pursue a relationship with my abusers (which I've actually tried before. I was more insulted on the behalf of other people reading the book), I was insulted at the insinuations that Satan was at fault for what these people are doing.
I was abused by many people, for many years, in a number of ways. When a person says that 'Satan' caused these men/ women/ monsters to do these things, it feels to me like you're saying that they shouldn't be held responsible for their actions.
It's also like saying that the abuse was the fault of the victim. Why is it that our society heaps all this blame on the victims?
I have been held accountable for my abuse- as if it was my fault and I had orchestrated it to happen somehow. (Oh yes, I was so very conniving when I was three.)
I don't understand why I feel so much guilt and shame for what happened.
I don't understand my overwhelming sense of isolation. I'm glad that most people I know haven't been harmed in this way. Yet... yet I crave to be around people like me. Alcoholics get a group. Gay people get parades and a flag and villages, and maybe even special rights. Religious people have churches, mosques, and synagogues. Everyone has a community they go to and they feel accepted.
Christians (I am one, as well) don't tend to like people like me. A lot of them just see me as something that was sullied, and therefore not marriage material. I understand, to a degree, emotional baggage notwithstanding.
But I never asked for it to happen. I was told by an Anglican priest once that my abuser was attracted to the demons I was carrying. When he did what he did, he also transferred more demons into/ onto me. She also assumed he was gay. (Because a gay man abusing a girl makes oh so much sense)
Why do I have these feelings when my abusers do not? Why am I the one who has to feel this?
Why, after all these years, do I sometimes feel like the wounds are still fresh? Why do I feel like I'm the only one? (Especially when I know I definitely am not?)
I desire to meet other people like me, who have this 'dark mark' on their soul. To admit this makes me feel... ashamed. I feel like a freak.
I feel like there's something wrong with me- I should be happy that I'm surrounded by normal, decently- adjusted people.
But all I feel is alone.
1 comment:
Goodness Sach, I feel like we'd have had a good long talk if I was there after oyu read this book. I agree that blaming Satan is passing on the blame.
I hope you find what you are looking for. <3
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