Greetings, old cats. I hope you like the new look of my blog. It feels more... breathy, don't you think? I love it, everything except that header. If anyone knows how to make one, send me a template and some instructions, because I want everything to have the overhaul. What do you guys think should be on the new header? I really like my friend Tania's, I could take two characters and put them up or something. Please, let me know!
Also, chapter 6 is going to be up in a few days, without beta-ing. I hope you guy(s?) will like it, mistakes and all.
So. The real reason I felt compelled to be here today. When Joseph goes to work, I look stuff up on the internet that generally makes me feel horrible. For example, cheating spouses, birth defects, eating disorders, you name it.
I came upon a book today. It's called "Women's Infidelity".
I have a fear of numbers, guys. I fear the number on my scale, on the tape measure, of my clothes, and of my age. Maybe that's normal for a woman, I don't know.
I very vividly remember the days before I turned 19. I remember thinking, "I'm becoming an adult in a few days. What kind of person am I going to be?"
I've been told for the majority of my life that when I grew up, I was going to abuse children because of what happened to me. I couldn't believe it. Why would I do something that was so painful to me to another person? I couldn't even re-enact it on a bear. How could I be that person?
I came to assume it was something that would happen when I became an adult, and here in Canada, you're recognized as one legally when you're 19. I contemplated suicide more than once as the big day drew near. Obviously, it was something I couldn't carry through with.
Knowing I was born at two thirty in the morning, I had all night to be awake and worry. I thought I would 'die' in a sense that night. Some adult would come alive inside me, and abused me would be in the background. She'd be aware, but unable to do anything.
Now I find this Infidelity book. It makes me fear becoming 30, it makes me fear hitting the four- year mark in my relationship as I fear that creature inside me again. The one that will come alive, and I will be unable to stop.
I believe that if you love a person, you will not cheat on them. Emotionally or physically. I don't understand how betrayal and love could both happen towards the same person.
It can't be completely true. There are some couples who are together, for 25+ years. It can't just be that we 'get tired' of our men. Movies and celebrities glorify an adulterous lifestyle, and many people talk of their numerous 'escapades' as something to be proud of. Maybe knowing of this potential danger can prevent it from happening to me.
I don't know. I think I just needed to talk, and this seems to be the only place I can do so. I'm glad I have this place. Most of the time, I'm hurt that people I consider friends don't bother reading my blog, but it's at times like these that I'm happy that I have this one piece of "land" to come to. I don't feel judged.
So from now on, I want to talk about something real. I mean, a lot of the stuff I talk about is real, but I want to even talk about things I don't normally mention. I want to talk about my fears, my ED, my EC characters, the Bible, my upcoming wedding. I want to share, and have people share with me.
If you made it this far, thank you for listening.
