Smells Like Happiness

Good times

2011-11-24T14:20:00.001-08:00

Update!

2011-04-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I have to rewrite pretty much everything ever. This is somewhat depressing, but I think it will be for the best. I'm going for my first dress fitting tomorrow, my earrings have been ordered, and invitations are 98% ready to be mailed. Life is exciting.

Starting school in the fall, Daiquiri never leaves my side anymore, and I finally have all eight badges in Pokemon White. I'm training for the Elite Four, which is taking for ever. Why isn't there a place like in FF8, where you go to the islands between Heaven and Hell and there's super scary monsters there? Leveling would be awesome.

I need to find a hair stylist for my wedding.

Have a good one!

30 Day Writing Meme #1

2011-03-11T08:57:00.000-08:00

Day 1-
Your favourite writing project/ universe that you've worked with.

My favourite universe to work inside is Eternal Chronicles. I've been working in this world and with those people for so long that it's kind of like I am one of them, and I realize how crazy that must sound. Pretty much everything I write is something that takes place in that one world.

Which reminds me, I'm going to post the next chapter tomorrow.

Sound of Music

2011-02-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

~Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad~

Last piece in the Sonya series. I hope everyone enjoyed our journey! From left to right is Rue, Lieza, and Tobias. These three could be the beginning of a common joke: So a slave, a gypsy, and an Angel of the Lord walk into a bar...
I've been wanting to give this trio an official title- all good trios seem to have one. Harry Potter is part of the "Golden Trio," Supernatural has the awesome "Team Free Will".

Please enjoy!

Anything for You

2011-02-16T13:54:00.000-08:00

Blog post is named after Joseph's and my song, from Ludo. It will be our first dance song =D

As you can see from the countdown posted just below my header, the day is getting close!

So, the drawing. I drew this sooo tiny and by the time I even realized, it was too late to turn back. So here's piece 4/5 for the Sonya Series (as I've been calling it in my head) and for today's episode, we have Erimenthia (Eria) and Apollo. We're going to be meeting these kids someday soon~

These two are from a race of Nienté called Garantir, who are known for their stellar magical skills (they often get addicted to it though) and for defeating the Humans. Their take over worked well mostly because they look Human, more so than any other Nienté.

In other news, chapter 10 has been written, and will be sent to my wonderful beta, Sonya, so the next chapter will be up the first week of March. I will try to continue to update on my monthly schedule again.

I hope you like it, Sonya! One more to go, I hope you're all excited!

Flowers

2011-02-15T14:24:00.000-08:00

This is part 3/4 for Sonya. It's looking like it's going to be a five- piecer, Sonya, so be prepared. I'm hoping to draw something real after all these tiny people drawings. But I'm drawing! That counts for something! Chapter 10 is also in the works. Exciting times.

Please have Lieza and Job! I don't draw Job nearly enough, even though he's a lot more adorable than I even remembered. See, I'm running a campaign of "Not Every Drow Can Be Evil". There CANNOT be an entire race that is evil. In the world that my characters inhabit, there's good AND bad Drow, just like any normal race of people.

Please enjoy, happy Valentines Day (or Happy Drifter Christmas to those of you who are single)

Love, Sachairi

Disco Dancing

2011-02-11T14:50:00.000-08:00

TIME TO PARTY. Part two of four for Sonya. I guess I'll also dedicate this to... well, you guys know who you are.

Defender

2011-02-10T15:29:00.001-08:00

Rue, defending his Princess. When I first started this, I was thinking of my lovely Sonya. She's been absolutely lovely. This one is for you, milady.

If any of you have colour suggestions for Rhiannon's staff thing, please lemme know. I'll change it. (And I'll add Rhia's necklace as well, I'm always forgetting that piece of jewelry, and it's like, plot- essential)

Please enjoy!

Some... ladies?

2011-02-04T14:38:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you can count mostly naked girls posing all sultry like this as 'ladies', but here you are. I think my favourite is the mermaid who is apparently swimming in outer space. I could put in the molecules-to-man evolution stinger that I'm tempted to do, but I won't. I love you guys.

In other news, I've been reading an abomination of a book known as 'Breaking Dawn'. Urgh. I'm nearly at the end of the book (why is it over 700 pages long?!) and nothing has happened! A friend told me once about an RP that she was a part of. In it, suddenly everyone was just playing house, content to take care of babies and cook food or whatever.

Ever since Edward and Bella have returned from their honeymoon, 'Breaking Dawn' has been playing house. There was one point where the book was threatening to get exciting, as Bella was dying when her baby was kicking the living crap out of her. (She was giving birth).

It was short lived though. On the bright side, S. Meyer has been teaching me an important lesson in grammar that I've known since grade, like, 4. Do not start a sentence with 'and', 'but', or 'because'.

S. Meyer apparently has a degree in English. WHY DOES SHE NOT KNOW THE BASICS, I DON'T EVEN. That is all.

Timeline

2011-01-31T07:44:00.000-08:00

Do any of you guys ever feel like you were born at the wrong time?

I feel this way a lot. I love old music- everything from Elvis, Bonnie Tyler, Guns 'n' Roses to Beethoven.

I love keeping my head/ hair covered, as well as my body- even on Halloween, when many girls finally have that excuse to dress as... you know, without worrying about being called out on it.

I would absolutely love to be able to dress in the French fashions in King Henry VIII's time. Those ladies, although they sleep around a lot (according to Showcase) were classy as far as clothes went.

I miss the time when you could easily tell the difference between a man and a woman. Everyone is so androgynous, and I hate having to refer to anybody as an 'it' because I can't tell what they are.

I love a lot of stuff that happened way before my time.

I'm not saying I'd go back to these times. I like that I have rights *which are only valid, it seems, as long as everyone else agrees*. I like that I'm seen as a being who thinks and feels and that I can vote.

I mean, I don't vote (who could you possibly vote for anyway? It's a lose- lose- lose) but I'm glad that I could, if I wanted to.

I'm glad we live in a time where it's not okay for either partner to cheat on their spouse. I'm glad that it's considered a crime to beat your wife. Women's lib has done a lot of good and bad for us as a society. (The bad I'm speaking of is how women's rights somehow have something to do with being very pro- abortion)

But that is another topic entirely.

Have any of you ever felt like you were out of place, like maybe you were born in the wrong time?

General Update of Sorts

2011-01-26T12:34:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to give a general update on all things Sachairi.

On the right, under "People of Awesome" You will notice some links gone, and new ones to replace them.

I still can't figure out Tumblr, but what good are they anyways if they don't even have a Christian section, so I might be able to find a blog I might like? It might be a blessing.

I've been watching a show called "The Tudors" and it shocks me that King Henry has yet to experience any character growth. Your marriage isn't working out? (Because you spend a lot of time cheating on your wife?) Then I guess that the only solution is to declare it "null and void". Urgh. I know the show is based on real events, but seriously. Grow up.

On the bright side, the women aren't all supermodels from Heaven, the costumes and sets are wonderful. I sometimes get distracted from all the cheating to focus on the lovely backgrounds. (Although the show seems to want to make sure that all you see is cheating)

Supernatural is returning in a few days, and I'm quite excited. I'm still holding out on seeing a decent Christian, Angel, or even a decent understanding of God (Please, Kripke, read some Bible, or talk to a Christian with answers. There's only like a couple million of us) but I love Dean and Castiel, and for them I will return.

They better work on this new character arc for Cas real quick though. What was he doing making out with a demon? It was completely out of left field. (Considering earlier that same episode he wasn't saying anything nice about the fact that she is a demon)

Kripke also seems to be on the misunderstanding that humans who go to hell eventually become demons. I guess I should take it easy on him. What else can you expect from an atheist? (Then again, there's a sad amount of Christians in that category as well)

I found a few incredible websites for homeschooling kids in a Christian home. I will be linking them as well.

Bathing

2011-01-20T17:33:00.000-08:00

This started out as a little pen drawing so I could get an idea of what Rue's back might look like. Originally I was going to have it a lot more scarred, but then I remembered that I might want to draw Rue from behind again someday, and a million scars might be difficult to place appropriately.

This is also incredibly cliché.

Please excuse my complete lack of being able to draw a person from behind, especially a well muscled person. Would one of you guys like to draw him and I can have some loverly arts to brighten my spirits?

It's been a hard last little while for me. I'm still battling feelings of complete lonliness, and a resurgence of feelings regarding my past abuse.

Every time I think I've dealt with it, something comes up and reminds me that I haven't. Every time I think I've completely forgiven both of them for what they have done, I am reminded brutally what I've lost because of them.

I was expressing my feelings of anxiety to my priest about my upcoming wedding- more specifically, I know that a person with my background has a few strikes against them before the vows are even exchanged. My abuse, being surrounded by unhealthy marital relationships, and so on.

He said it was good that I was concerned, because it meant that I knew it could be a problem, and could look out for it.

He also confirmed a fear: It was a strike against me, as far as a successful marriage goes. The most successful ones, he said, were when two Christians married each other and were virgins when they did so.

It makes my heart ache. I'm still suffering the consequences of something that happening to me when I was three. For the first time in a long time, I felt anger towards the man who had taken that from me. It's... I mean, I hate to say it, but it just feels so completely unfair. I didn't choose, at the age of three, to no longer be a virgin.

It's crazy to think that when I was three, my chances at a successful marriage immediately fell by something like over 50%.

I keep praying that God will take this bitterness, anger, and pain away. I truly want to forgive both of them, and become a new creation. In time.

For the time being, enjoy Rue, who feels to me like a kindred soul.

2011

2011-01-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

Well, it's that time again, I suppose.

I didn't really come up with a New Year's Resolution this year. I mean, it's getting incredibly difficult. The only thing I ever want to do is lose weight, and that's what I do during Lent. Over 40 days, I eat next to nothing. I figure Jesus did it in a desert, surely I can do it in the comfort of my apartment.

So I know what to do for Lent. The only difference this year is that I have to be sneaky about it, because the significant other will be all, you know, "eat or else".

I'm going to get back into writing, and possibly drawing more. No sense in my college education going completely to waste.

This next year is going to be a lot of changes for me. Namely, I'm getting married in the summer, going back to school because I love having a huge student loan, and Joseph and I need to start making our own traditions, for when children start appearing.

I say appearing because it's kind of wishful thinking. I am really torn about the whole pregnancy thing. I mean, it doesn't look too horrible, but my fears of weight gain/ stretch marks/ pain are all things I'm going to have to overcome. But not right now. Let's move on before I have a panic attack. =D

So. My goals for the New Years. I'm really quite involved with the church nowadays, so it's going to be a challenge to meet and make friends of my own age. I miss people. Who knew growing up was so... lonely? Not what I expected, to be sure.

I think part of it is the fact that I'm Christian. Jesus wasn't kidding about nobody would want anything to do with you. At least He warns you.

So, new friends. Back to writing and drawing. I'll try to come back to blogging more often, because I've missed this place. Usual weight loss thing... (I lost a few pounds over Christmas! =D And I was eating SO MUCH cheesecake!)

I want to start purchasing dresspants, and more covering shirts. Clothes are too whorish. Whenever I see girls wearing next to nothing, I feel like I'm equally undressed. It's strange. Cover up, girls. That's what ladies do.

I'll need more Hijabi materials. (My mother got me the most lovely scarf for Christmas, plus a leatherbound KJV Bible. If you knew my mother, you would know how significant this is)

I'm glad to be back, guys. =D

In Memory of..

2010-12-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

Read at your own risk. Just remembering Adam.

On the second of December, my high school friend Adam died in a vehicle accident at work. I've been having a lot of mixed emotions since then. My first reaction was that it couldn't possibly be true. I mean, I found out on FB, and I had hoped it was just a cruel joke.

Part of the reason I thought it was a lie (besides finding out on the internet) was because Adam was born only a few short hours before I was, in the same hospital. For all we know, our mothers could have been in rooms right next to each other, screaming bloody murder. He's no more than three hours older than me- how is it that he is gone?

He offered to fail a grade for me once, when I had been held back due to my constant jigging. Adam, April, Braden, and a lot of others would come over and hang out at my father's house while he was working.

Between Adam and Jared, they both kept my locker filled with 2L bottles of Pepsi. They would often go to the Irving down the hill and bring back *bags* of it. In grade 11, we had almost every single class together. When I was in grade 10 or so, he had asked me out. I said 'yes', being completely flabbergasted, and then avoided him like a plague until we 'broke up'. I was quite nervous of boys back then.

I remember playing all sorts of drinking games with him, and he always made sure I would win.

He wore a lot of tie dye shirts, which would bring out his very red hair. He talked a lot about hunting and sports, and when we were hanging out, he'd quickly set us up with something (alcoholic) to drink.

He never made me pay to have a cigarette, and he always lent me his coat if it was raining outside during break. We went to a few dances together, one in which we were both so drunk that we could hardly stand. (Yeah, I wasn't the most savoury kid back in the day) It took many people to help me stand upright, and for some reason, our vice principle never gave us any trouble.

Despite the fact I toppled over Mr Hare, waving at him like a maniac before proceeding to slap his behind. (Which started a very strange but cherished relationship)

After this prom, in which I was technically Holly's date, about 12 of us ended up at my father's house, sleeping on a very tiny army cot, laying on top of each other like Jenga blocks. One girl slept with only her head on the cot, and the rest of her body was on a very comfortable garbage bag of clothes.

My dad completely flipped his lid the next day, as we had all slept in our underwear (try sleeping in a huge prom dress!) and he was sure all of us had every STD known to man. Between Ricky and Adam, they actually got my father to back off.

Adam was a sweet guy, and he's going to be dearly missed.

...Then There Were Five

2010-11-17T11:56:00.000-08:00

For my followers, sorry about all the re- posting. You may know that I post chapters of EC on here, and I wanted to shorten the posts, so nobody would have to scroll down for ever to see previous posts, but nothing seems to work. I've tried everything! If anyone has found a tutorial on expandable posts that had worked for them, please send me the link for it. Thanks.

I was talking to my dear friend Sonya last night, who pointed out to me that I really need to get back in gear and start drawing. I've been looking at other people's work, occasionally stumbling upon something that would destroy my soul a little, so I was told: "Why don't *you* destroy instead?"

At the top, flying, is Tobias. The brown guy with blue hair is Rue, the girl on his shoulders is Lieza. Lastly, Valesti riding Rhiannon. I just realized I forgot Valesti's antennae. The next chapter should be up shortly. I need to do some rewriting on previous chapters, as well. Mostly for Tobias and Valesti's sake.

Please enjoy!

Church, Hijab, and Stuff

2010-11-10T13:52:00.000-08:00

I started working at my church as a secretary quite recently, and it seems to be going well so far. I set up a display for Advent (which is during this month). I'm enjoying the work, and it's been nice- I feel almost like I'm back in my home town, you know, what with me spending most of my time in the church now.

I also need to start doing my pre- wedding workout. I hate exercising... I wish I had a workout partner. I'm aiming for a flatter stomach (aren't we all?), a thinner waistline (half an inch to go!) and if anybody has the secret to getting my hips to be about an inch wider/ thicker/ whatever, I would love to hear it. I never thought I'd have to gain in order to fit in a tiny American size zero. But there you are.

A while ago, my friend Cheryl mailed me a few of her Hijab scarves. It took a lot of trial runs, but I've mastered the pins (be careful, ladies!) and the Hijab is starting to look tidy. I was having this problem that the scarves were loose, and it would slide around on my head, exposing hair and neck. That's not cool.

During these trials, I've learned something interesting about myself. Apparently, I have a freakishly long neck. It seems like no matter what I do, some part of my neck is insisting on showing. Most of my shirts have high necklines, it just seems that there's not enough scarf to hide my swan/ giraffe neck. I know no Muslims read this, but if one happens to stumble along, could you share any tips you might have? It's so embarrassing to keep having my neck exposed.

I think though that I may have learned the secret behind keeping the scarves in place, so, hurrah!

I've also learned this week, where I also teach Sunday school, that I am required to attend the Parish Life Committee Meetings. I've attended once before, and let me tell you, it's an uncomfortable experience. There's bitter words exchanged sometimes, but the worst part is the tediousness of it.

It starts like this. "I vote to call the meeting to order?" Fr. Jon or Ken seem to ask this. Actually, Ken is the note taker. Anyway, they vote. I imagine you might know where this meeting goes from there. They have to vote on everything. Vote to move to the next subject, vote to take it to Vestry, they even vote on ending the meeting. They voted once on me being allowed to leave the meeting early.

I've seen these meetings before, at my old church in St George. I don't remember them quite like that, but then again, it's been a while since I've been this actively involved in the church.

Anyway, I'm enjoying it. I also seem to be losing an insane amount of pins in my Hijab. Nothing can hide my neck!

I am Pinhead.

Have a nice evening, folks.

Tobias

2010-11-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since my last update... I felt guilty so I drew a few things for you before posting more text. I'll post the rest of my drawings in a few days. Enjoy my Tobias with questionable hair colour.

2010-09-29T14:34:00.000-07:00

I finally decided on Lieza's outfit and her colours. In winter, her sleeves are longer, she has a cloak, and she also wears pants under her dress. In summer, everything here stays the same, except her leather boots are either booties or she's barefoot. (Depending on her mood)

The Bacculi women wear wraps around their waists in case of an emergency. Just like in the days of the first neckties, the Bacculi wear them in case of a serious cut, broken bone, or in the chance of a sudden birth. As an apprentice Healer, it's extra important that Lieza is prepared for such an occasion.

Please enjoy.

An Update

2010-09-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

Lieza practice. I was down at the Harvest Jazz and Blues Festival, and I sketched what people were doing. I changed them slightly so they would be crying. (I've been thinking about how Lieza would feel right after the events of the next chapter)
Rue hanging out with Sonya's original character. I don't believe he has a name... Maybe they're travelling together? Getting ready for rest and that guy counting their money. Sonya's cat guy belongs to her, and her blog is there on the right.

Please enjoy.

Anniversary

2010-09-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

A drawing of Erimenthia and Apollo that I did for our anniversary. (Sept 19) I just wanted to thank Mum, my sister Dawn, my cousin Tracy, my friend Julie, as well as Curtis and Holly for congratulating us. I appreciate it!

Lieza and Liam

2010-09-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

A sketch I cleaned up for Otty and Sonya- whose blogs you can find to the right- for being wonderful and awesome, for listening to me, and for being two of the five people who care whether or not I'm alive.

Lieza and Liam, shortly before the events of the next chapter. Please enjoy.

Parthia Map

2010-09-10T12:22:00.001-07:00

Sorry if the file is huge. This is a rough map of Parthia, where a lot of the story is taking place right now. Rue and Rhiannon started in Amber (Amberite province), Valesti starts in Levite, and we meet Tobias in Ezira. The characters are in mid Lud right now, about to meet another party member...

So their path was from Amberite, through Lamech, up into Kush, where they hopped a train that took them through Akkad, Nahor, and into Lud. Please enjoy.

Tobias Page

2010-09-01T15:07:00.000-07:00

Some Tobias so I can stop being so depressed. Whatever happened to "Do Unto Others..?"

Oh yeah. You believe you came from the muck.

Please enjoy.

Dancing Lieza

2010-09-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

I imagine you're starting to hate me. There's a funny thing about Lieza- as much as I imagine Rhiannon always at the point developmentally at the beginning of her story arc, I always imagine Lieza as how she ends up being. I hope that sentence made sense. This will likely be the last post for today. Prepare though for a lot of Tobias soon.

Rhiannon Sketch

2010-09-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

Whenever I think about or imagine Rhiannon, I always picture her as she is at the beginning of the story... defiant, angry, hateful, and in her pajamas. Please enjoy.

Rue's Sword

2010-09-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

So I found this really old image of Rue I had, and I wanted to show Otty (and whomever else that may be interested) Rue's sword. In fact, Rue's only there for size/ colour comparison, which is why I faded him out.

His sword is very bell shaped, and has his name carved into the side in Nagi, Titus' common written language. Please enjoy.

Butterfly Logo

2010-09-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

Very likely to be my logo... now to learn to put it into a brush. Happy first of September!

Doing Dishes

2010-08-25T17:38:00.001-07:00

Just a little stupid thing I did, featuring Rue and Tobias. Please enjoy.

Hanging Out

2010-08-24T15:19:00.001-07:00

You get sooooo many points if you understand this reference. Just a little something I put together. Please enjoy.

War Journal

2010-08-21T15:58:00.001-07:00

AN:// Previously on DA, but as I'm trying to move here, and I liked the piece, it's going to be put here. It was originally based on a nightmare I had. This is the story of Rue, in a war he's not in. This is NOT canon. Rated for blood, violence, and gore. It's not specific, but it's also not for the faint of heart. Written from Rue's point of view. Please enjoy.

Thursday, Febuary 27, 2022

Dearest Lieza,
I have finally decided to put this foolish diary you gave me to some use. I'm not
going to call it a diary, though, sounds too... feminine. Perhaps I'll give this to
you after the war is finished. Luckily for you, I write much better than I talk.

Earth is an interesting place, and I hope to see more of it after we're finished here.
I don't think that the war will last very long, we have just as much right to be on this

planet as they do, and it won't be long before they see that....

Tuesday, March 12, 2022

It looks like this war wasn't as simple as I previously thought. The Humans took
Tobias to their side. I can't really understand it, he's been with us for years... I realise,
of course, that he's one of Them. I'm glad that you don't have to be here to see this,
and I'm hoping that this will soon be over....

Friday, June 14, 2027

This was supposed to be a simple war. It should've been done in a matter of days,
but things got so blown out of proportion, that I don't think there is an easy way to
get out of this. They've turned this into some sort of Holy War, and call us Satanists.
Tobias had warned us of this, years ago before he left. He said- do you remember?
He said that they would call us pagans and satan worshippers because we can do
magic. He'll be disappointed to know that he was right.

They've changed their colours, the Humans did. They carry around only gold jewelry,
and their banner is red, with a lamb on it. They wear red, purple, and white, and we
both know what that means.

What a bunch of presuming bastards, honestly. Our flag, as you know, is green.
We use sterling silver, as you know, and we wear black (well we're in the mud all
the time anyways) and we chose an animal- the goat. I know, we're almost asking
for it, at this point, but for the love of everything holy...

Monday, June 17, 2027

I went for my mental health check up today. You'll find this interesting- you have to be
sane in order to be on the line, but you have to be crazy to be in this war at all, but
if you're crazy they dismiss you for a little while...

They demoted me to the front lines today, after I checked out as 'normal'. I have
some good news, though- Job was given a short break, so he'll be safe, for the time
being.

Friday, June 22, 2027

I don't feel like myself anymore, I feel numb. I don't think I have in a long time, come
to think of it. I suppose that's what war does to you eventually, I guess.

Wednesday, July 3, 2027

To Miss Lieza Mayfield;

We regret to inform you that Apollo Patmir Neeweb was killed in battle today. We
are very sorry for your loss. If you could see fit to inform his family, as you are
named of next to kin, we would appreciate it. We are unable to send you his remains.

Sincerely,

Muraay tin VonTatmos

recieved July 20, 2027

Dearest Lieza;
I imagine you've heard- or are going to hear- about Apollo. He is, in fact, dead.
That would be because I've killed him.

We were out on the field- out of the trenches. Every day, at lunchtime, we are
'permitted' to go out on the field to retrieve our dead. So, we bring out our
wheelbarrows and pile the bodies into it- you can fit about fifteen people into it,
if you pile them right.

We take them to the right side of the field, where there's a mass grave. It stinks
something awful, there's always a huge cloud of bugs flying above it. I dumped
my bodies, and where we were, the bodies were higher than the hole, so Apollo
went further down to dump his. He slipped- on intestine, on brains, who knows-
and fell in. The hole isn't too deep- about 20 feet, 5 feet wide. He fell, and maybe
it was the way he fell, I don't know.

He looked very unnatural, lying there at the bottom. His back curved the wrong way,
he broke it, but he was still alive. Don't ask me how. He's been my closest friend
for years, so I jumped down after him.

I broke his neck. God help me, I did. The others look at me strange, now...

recieved July 23, 2027

Monday, July 8, 2027

I have good news today. Last night, I went out for a leak, and on the far side of the
field, I saw something bright out of the corner of my eye, so I went and investigated.
You'll never guess as to who it was- Tobias! We haven't heard from him in what,
five years?

He was surprisingly happy to see me, considering that we're on opposite sides of
the war. He was trying to sneak in to talk to our leader- he's not very good at it. He's
still very blonde, and very pale, and he had the gall to wear very white clothes in the
middle of the night. I think the war may have affected him, too.

He's leaking us information, now. I was getting high in the ranks, and Tobias' arrival
got me promoted. I guess I'll be able to let you live more comfortably than we
previously thought.

They're gassing us tomorrow, apparently. Tobias says that we need to piss on
some cloths to-

Wednesday, July 10, 2027

We're switching camps today, the graves are completely full, and the battlefield is
something of a marshy... thing. It's been raining nonstop for several days now.
I've told Tobias, and he seems relieved. The Humans are thinking about bombs,
Tobias says bombs are like a magic that kills millions of people. Why would they
use something like that?

Thursday, August 5, 2027

To Miss Lieza Mayfield;
We regret to inform you that Miss Erimenthia Andrea Eleniak was killed in battle
today. We are very sorry for your loss. We would appreciate it if you would notify
the proper authorities, and it will be impossible to give you her remains-

recieved August 17, 2027

Dearest Lieza;
Eria's dead. You'll be glad to know that I had nothing to do with this death, however.
We were out, picking up the bodies like we do everyday, and today it was my turn,
again. I had about nine bodies- and a head- already in my wheelbarrow when I saw
her. She looked as if she had swallowed a grenade, or something. Her torso was
almost completely removed from her pelvis and legs- in fact, the only thing that
held them together was her spine. I picked her up, and continued walking, when I
ran over another body. It happens a lot, you can barely go three steps without
stepping on somebody, and her torso fell from the barrow, breaking her spine in half-

recieved August 13, 2027

Tuesday, August 10, 2027

I'm 27, today. Tobias was over again, his white clothes a bloody mess. He was
shocked that Eria died, and that I never told him about Apollo. There's been so
much death, I guess it slipped my mind. He still feels. I don't think I have anything
left inside me to feel. I wonder if our soul can leave our bodies before we've died.
Sometimes I think that this must have happened to me, sometimes I see it in the
eyes of the other men and women here. Tobias' eyes look dead, too. Perhaps he
reacts just so he can still feel human.

Job has returned- no doubt he's told you, and he looks like everyone else here.

Out of all of us in this platoon, we're the ones that have lasted the longest. All

the other faces keep changing. The Humans really want us off their land- and

I'd like to know why we're still here. We have our own planet, and it's clear

that we're not wanted here.

I miss you, I miss you terribly. I'm not sure I remember what you look like,

anymore...

Saturday, August 21, 2027

They've bombed the bunker, a surprise attack that Tobias hadn't been informed of.
I think they must have have known that their information was being leaked.
There's very few of us left. They're burning the fields- it's the middle of the day and
you can't hope to see the sun, it's like a moonless night. They're salting the fields
as well, and what they hope to accomplish is beyond me.

Job thinks that Tobias has betrayed us. He thinks that Tobias had helped plan this
attack on us. I hit him, very hard, and now he lies on the ground beside me. I can't
tell if he's breathing or not.

Tobias came running to us, looking more scared than I ever remember seeing him.
"You have to get out of here," he was saying, but where would we go? We have
nowhere to go. The ships have left.

Sunday, August 22, 2027

Job is alright.
The ground is shaking, like a giant might be coming. Tobias tells me that it's the
Humans- thousands and thousands of Humans, and I'd like to know where

they're all coming from. How is there so many?!

The fire is closing in on us, and even though it's begun to rain, it's not slowing the
fire down.

This is when I notice that Tobias had been shot, he sounds like he's breathing in
water. They call it the death rattle. I sat down next to him, as I know it's going to
be a long time before he dies. He's going to suffocate, going to drown in his own
blood.

He was always scared of drowning. He was scared of thunderstorms- (bad omens,
he says) and that's exactly what's happening now. You'll hate me Lieza, for the rest

of your days, but I did what I had to do. He didn't need to suffer, so I didn't let it

happen.

It's raining harder, and the fire is coming in faster, and I see the Humans now,

even though my eyes burn. Jay can't even stand. I went to tell Tobias that they

were here and remembered that I couldn't. He's still bleeding, the bullet(s) had

been through- and- throughs.
I miss you, Lieza, and-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not all of this book could be reproduced, as it was badly damaged by fire and water. The editor
seriously doubts the validity of this entire script, as he is clearly a disturbed individual. All the people
within however, do in fact exist:
Job Labino- Honours
Apollo Neeweb- High Honours
Erimenthia Eleniak- Order of the Gods, First Class
Rue Ajidagba- Captain, Order of the Gods, First Class, High Informant

The Human, identified as Tobias James Kinkade, was found with Job's and Rue's bodies.
It has not been proven whose side of the war he was truly on, and is called a Judas among his
people. The Humans recovered his body, mutilated it, and then burnt it. The Nienté High Council
have erected statues in the likenesses of Erimenthia, Rue, and Mr. Kinkade in their honour.

None of this could have been possible without the help of Miss Lieza Mayfield. Our thanks
go to her, and we shall pray for her. May the gods look upon her with favour.
This book also wouldn't have been possible without the generous donations made by:
~Rhiannon Lynne Vander til Amberite, Princess of Amber
~Valesti Odin Nietzsche, Valkyrie

Tobias Doodle

2010-08-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

I was going through my old sketchbooks and memorabilia the other night, and found this drawing. It's about four years old, but I thought it was pretty cute, so I put it into photoshop, and... well, here you are. I wanted to try the coloured line thing I've seen, like in Disney movies, but I honestly think that Tobias is too bright to warrant this sort of thing. I was squinting nearly the entire time I was drawing this.

I spent way too much time on this, because I had already finished the line work when I thought, "Hey, maybe the lines should be colour". I think Tobias'd make a really cute plushie. Anyway, please enjoy.

Then and Now- Rue

2010-08-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

At 13/ 14, I was such a LOSER. Like, what IS that? Please enjoy anyways.

Birthday, Pt2

2010-08-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

Rue in his true glory. Please enjoy.

Happy Birthday, old man

2010-08-08T10:12:00.001-07:00

Please enjoy, large features and all. Rue has really nice hair- anyone else jealous of it? haha

Wedding Workout

2010-07-25T15:08:00.000-07:00

So, if I wanna look good on the big day, I'ma have to exercise. Seeing as I have nowhere to write this stuff, I'm going to track my progress here. Today is the 25th of July. I'm working out to tone my arms and legs, and to flatten my belly. I want to look awesome.

My goals are to feel more energized and more comfortable with my body. I also want to start thinking about tracking my calorie/ junk food intake.

Starting weight: 95lbs.

Measurements: Chest- 30in. 27in ribcage.

Waist- very close to 25in

Hips- 32in

Thighs-18in

Forearms-8 1/2 in.

These numbers are depressing. I want my waist to be more like 23in, and the thighs would probably look better if they were 16. Never measure yourselves, you'll be sad at the end. On the bright side I guess is that besides my thick waist, I would fit into a size zero dress.

Size zero measurements, if you don't want to look it up- 23.5in waist, 31.5in bust, and 34in hips.

Let's see how this works out, boyos.

Judas Abubakar

2010-07-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

Please enjoy.

Women's Infidelity?

2010-07-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

Greetings, old cats. I hope you like the new look of my blog. It feels more... breathy, don't you think? I love it, everything except that header. If anyone knows how to make one, send me a template and some instructions, because I want everything to have the overhaul. What do you guys think should be on the new header? I really like my friend Tania's, I could take two characters and put them up or something. Please, let me know!

Also, chapter 6 is going to be up in a few days, without beta-ing. I hope you guy(s?) will like it, mistakes and all.

So. The real reason I felt compelled to be here today. When Joseph goes to work, I look stuff up on the internet that generally makes me feel horrible. For example, cheating spouses, birth defects, eating disorders, you name it.

I came upon a book today. It's called "Women's Infidelity".

I have a fear of numbers, guys. I fear the number on my scale, on the tape measure, of my clothes, and of my age. Maybe that's normal for a woman, I don't know.

I very vividly remember the days before I turned 19. I remember thinking, "I'm becoming an adult in a few days. What kind of person am I going to be?"

I've been told for the majority of my life that when I grew up, I was going to abuse children because of what happened to me. I couldn't believe it. Why would I do something that was so painful to me to another person? I couldn't even re-enact it on a bear. How could I be that person?

I came to assume it was something that would happen when I became an adult, and here in Canada, you're recognized as one legally when you're 19. I contemplated suicide more than once as the big day drew near. Obviously, it was something I couldn't carry through with.

Knowing I was born at two thirty in the morning, I had all night to be awake and worry. I thought I would 'die' in a sense that night. Some adult would come alive inside me, and abused me would be in the background. She'd be aware, but unable to do anything.

Now I find this Infidelity book. It makes me fear becoming 30, it makes me fear hitting the four- year mark in my relationship as I fear that creature inside me again. The one that will come alive, and I will be unable to stop.

I believe that if you love a person, you will not cheat on them. Emotionally or physically. I don't understand how betrayal and love could both happen towards the same person.

It can't be completely true. There are some couples who are together, for 25+ years. It can't just be that we 'get tired' of our men. Movies and celebrities glorify an adulterous lifestyle, and many people talk of their numerous 'escapades' as something to be proud of. Maybe knowing of this potential danger can prevent it from happening to me.

I don't know. I think I just needed to talk, and this seems to be the only place I can do so. I'm glad I have this place. Most of the time, I'm hurt that people I consider friends don't bother reading my blog, but it's at times like these that I'm happy that I have this one piece of "land" to come to. I don't feel judged.

So from now on, I want to talk about something real. I mean, a lot of the stuff I talk about is real, but I want to even talk about things I don't normally mention. I want to talk about my fears, my ED, my EC characters, the Bible, my upcoming wedding. I want to share, and have people share with me.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening.

2010-06-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

I realized today just how much my father managed to screw me up. I know what you're thinking. "Sachairi, every kid has father issues." Yes, I suppose they do. But now that the investigation into my case has come to a close, I feel like I owe those of you who care an explanation of how it ended.

The short of it would be: "Pretty friggen ugly, actually."

And now the long of it.

They scoured my files. There was no record of me being in foster care, at any point, even though I lived with all these strangers and went through EVERYTHING that entails the foster system. Even though my workers constantly removed me from my father's home because it wasn't good for me, and placed me with random people, I was never filed.

Even though my father TOLD me that I was in the foster system, and there was nothing he could do about the situation. He went on like he was this big friggen victim. Even though he said that he hated seeing me be bounced around like some ugly lamp.

I found out today that he helped orchestrate this entire thing. That he'd been lying to me, all these years. I'm so angry and hurt and... and I feel betrayed. Everything else that he's done to me seems like nothing compared to this.

Why couldn't he have handed me over like a decent human being? Why did he have to tell me all these lies? I went on about the foster system, and how it didn't work. He did, as well. WELL NO FRIGGEN WONDER. Sure, my father was given help as to what home I would go to next. I... I don't even know anymore.

Did he really hate me that much?

I think some of the worst of this is that... I was upset that I was surprised. I was upset that he didn't care, even though deep down I know better. I know better. This is why I put him, and all those other people, behind me. I really shouldn't have been surprised. My father has always only cared about himself. He's always been spiteful and manipulative. And yet I feel like an important part of my life has been pulled (roughly) from underneath me. It's all crumbling in front of me, everything that I thought I was.

I was fine, really, thinking that I knew what my situation was. I knew that digging this up could be potentially painful. I wish I never bothered in the first place.

Secret Powers

2010-06-02T20:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry for how horrible this is. Did it in about half an hour, for laughs. Tobias' Secret Powers aren't really powers, eh? There's a hundred of them, but if I told you all of them, then they wouldn't be secret anymore. Please enjoy my failure. Also, enjoy the shout out to the Slytherins in the last panel.

Commissions

2010-05-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to take commissions. Here's some info for you, if you're interested:

Payment:

Paypal only.

Prices

Bust Sketch:
Bust Sketch- $10
Bust Coloured- $15
Waist up sketch:
Waist Sketch: $10

Waist Coloured= $15

Fullbody sketch:

Full Body Sketch- $20

Full Body Coloured- $25

Chibi Characters:

Digital = $10

Coloured= $15

Additional characters (in the same sketch) = +$7 each

Flat Colors = + $10

These seem fair to me. For a clean, finished work, there will be an additional 20$ fee. If you want a hard copy of the work, you will be expected to pay not only for shipping and handling, but the price it'll cost me to get it printed on nice glossy paper for you at Staples. Thank you for your understanding.

Angel of Death

2010-05-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

"I am an Angel of the Lord..." This could possibly be considered a spoiler. Hope you enjoy. I coloured those swords once before, but the metal ended up looking like zebras, so I scratched that one.

Planet Titus

2010-05-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

The Titus world map. Please enjoy. PS- Parthia is the continent the story is taking place right now,

Walking

2010-05-12T14:05:00.001-07:00

Warning guys, HUGE file. Seriously. Just a fun little exercise that went a little too far, and yes, I'm well aware of all the mistakes. Thanks. I just wanted a group drawing, so you guys can get an idea of what the people on the planet of Titus look like. I used a lot of the same colours on everyone to promote more unity in the drawing, and no, none of them are really wearing anything they'd wear in real life. From left to right, is Apollo Neeweb, Valesti Nietzsche, Rhiannon Vander, Erimenthia (Eria) Eleniak, Rue Ajidagba, Tobias Kinkade, Lieza Mayfield, and Job (Joe-b) Labino.

Compulsion

2010-05-11T19:23:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: Journaling about some abusive issues, nothing graphic, just some feelings and observations.

***

There's some really strange phenomenon going on in my life right now that I think should be addressed. I'm doing some things I know I really shouldn't, and they're kind of insignificant in a broad sense, but... well, it's weird and so not normal that... well, it's anything but normal for me.

I want to talk about a lot of different things in this particular post, so please bear with me.

As you all know by now if you've been reading, I'm trying to clear up some of the foster/ government issues from my childhood. There is good news on this front- I need to make another phone call and such, but like, I have a representative now, and an investigator into my case, and I'm very excited and scared. The reason I bring this up is because it's making me think very actively about what happened to me, where I come from, and the stuff that just sort of... balled up together to make me who I am. And because of all this, I've been thinking of my hometown, some of the homes I've lived in, and thought about contacting them.

I knew it was a bad idea, and I kept putting it off. I knew it couldn't end well. I talked to a good friend of mine, and while they never said outright it was a bad idea, it was hinted and alluded to. This put off the urge for say... like, two days. But I couldn't hold back anymore, and I contacted a woman I lived with outside of foster care, a priest. We talked for a long time, and she apologized to me for losing contact with me, and it was all well and good. Until she mentioned the 'spirits' of abandonment and such that are undoubtably attached to me. I believe it myself, to be honest. It would certainly explain my alarming track record with loss of people. She didn't say anything too horrible, but it didn't change the fact that the next day I was a monster to be around, and a sobbing mess. (Then I had some chocolate, my friends came over, and I felt better.) I'm not sure what triggered me so badly.

Suffice it to say I never learnt my lesson, because a few days later, I made yet another call to Saint George. This time, to a Baptist ex- youth minister. He's a nice man, and someone I lived with for a few months in my fostering days. The conversation was fine as we played catch-up. Then he mentioned all the 'healing' that was taking place at the St Mark's Anglican Church. I remained skeptical, but listened. He recalled to me the prayer meetings he had with me and a few others over my past abuse issues. In truth, I had almost forgotten he'd had a part in this travesty. He said something along the lines of how they were helpful, and he hoped I got healing from it.

"Are you kidding me?" I wanted to ask, but said nothing: My typical fashion. This man is sensitive and genuine, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I said nothing. I've been grinding my teeth ever since.

I think at this point, I need to backtrack for those of you who might be confused. When I first started living with fellow Christians instead of the old nutbars I'd lived with before, I was insanely relieved. No longer would I fear drunken, rowdy nights. No more would parents be throwing dishes at each other over the latest affair. And hopefully, no longer would I be punished for getting something to eat. All those things were true, but at a price. In fact, a price that might've been just as hefty as the problems I'd left.

Living with Christians, if you've had my upbringing, can be very demeaning. They're quick to remind you where you come from, and the fact that you'll never quite be as 'whole' as they are blessed to be. When I first moved in with this Baptist family, it was a great change of pace. I was in Church every day, right up until it was 10:30pm. When it wasn't Church, I was in school.

Then summer came. This family had three kids- two boys and a girl. The eldest (boy) was my age, I think 17 at the time. Then were was the 15 (or so) boy, and the 11 or so girl. I got home from church, and went to go in the house, when I found it locked. That was the day I learnt that I apparently wasn't allowed in the house unless the parents were home.

Ouch. What'd they think I was going to do, molest them all at the first opportunity? I asked my ex- social worker Moe Walsh about it. All she had to say about it was that it was a great, wonderful approach to having me in the house and would reccommend it to any foster family who had a child with a past history of being abused. Obviously, I never approached the subject again.

So they were having these prayer sessions for me. Originally, the plan was to pray for help in the healing process, which I DO think is important. I remember the first day I was brought into it- I walked into the warm Sanctuary of the St Mark's Anglican church. Admittedly, I was nervous, but not scared. After all, this place was a safe haven for me. I was at home here.

Then I saw the group of people- like 5 or 6 of them, men and women- sitting and talking. The room seemed to heat up by several degrees, but I thought, "They're just talking to -so and so- they'll leave.

The Priest stood with a welcoming smile on her face, and the room was shrinking, and I couldn't force myself to move. It's like it happened yesterday. I still vaguely remember the smell of the room, the way the last of daylight shone through the windows. They were all there to pray for me. A lot of these people never knew I was abused until the priest informed them about it. I should've walked out then and there. I should've said it was unacceptable.

Anyway, halfway through prayer, they switched gears. Instead of asking for God's help, they started thanking God for getting me through what I've gotten through. I was so incredibly offended. I still AM offended. I got through that on my own, I thought. Yes, by God's grace I was/ am alive, but the steps I've taken since then should be MY victory. I did this. I survived. I feel like it makes me a victim again to take that tiny, fragile power away from me. I want the credit for what little I've accomplished, as egotistical as that will sound to any Christians reading this.

Anyway, from there they switched pegs again, and it took me a few minutes to notice- I was still upset that they took power from me. Suddenly they were praying off demons and spirits from me, and I just sat there and allowed that to happen. I should've said something, but never did. I already felt like a demon, a monster, and here they are, aggressively reminding me of that 'truth'. I remember feeling very... detached by this point, and I vaguely remember crying. I wasn't like, sobbing, it was more just tears streaming down my face, and they were all happy, thinking that God was moving through me.

No. Just your hurtful and derogatory comments.

They prayed, then, for purity of mind and spirit. For God to 're-virginize' me. I'm still insulted when I think about this, and even now my face is all red and hot. I was so angry I didn't hear most of the praying for my 'purity' back. Thanks a lot, jerks, for reminding me so forcefully of something that's been so crudely stolen from me. Thanks for bringing back his smiling face, his smell, the sounds he made coming up the stairs to see me. Thanks a lot for reminding me of something I don't remember ever *having*. Thanks a lot for reminding me how much that other man hated me.

Why do I feel like need to get into contact with these people? I was nothing but a potential pariah and predator to them, a ticking timebomb. I was afraid, all the time. I had this idea that when I turned 19, I would wake up, and something inside me would break. My old self would crumble, and this new abuser would form, aware of the old me, but much too powerful to be threatened. I thought it'd be like I was stuck inside myself. I thought I'd have no control- why else would people abuse? I remember wanting to severely hurt myself- I'm against suicide, but I didn't want to hurt anyone. Which was the bigger sin? I was/ am convinced I'm going to Hell, so what was the loss?

Obviously I never went through with it, and I realize I'm getting off topic. Why do I want to contact these people who threatened and scared me? People who constantly made me question every thing I did, every way I looked at a person? I was scared to really look at anyone, particularly if they were younger than me. Why am I so determined to have a relationship with them? What is the underlying issue?

I don't know. Since I've called St George, it'll hopefully curb my desire to want to call them again for a long time. I feel like I'm being pretty spleeny about this- it's not like these people were rude or outright mean to me. It could've been worse, and I'm grateful it wasn't. I don't know. I'm kind of hoping this whole investigation of my childhood thing just... gives me closure or whatever so I can just move on with my life again. I hope it can fix the student loan issues, because I really do want to go back to school.

Thanks for listening to my pointlessness.

Games

2010-05-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: This post is relatively harmless, but abuse and survivor's rights are mentioned.

Whenever I go somewhere with a group of people, there is a game that is always played. I privately call this game ' memory lane'. What are the rules? You recollect for the audience a certain memory. Sometimes it's your funniest, or most painful, or something to that nature. Most people reading this will think this is no big deal. After all, if you've had a 'normal' childhood, you can play this game with the best of them. If you have had a normal childhood, you would never notice how often this game is even played.

Sometimes I feel that the people I'm with sense that there's something I'm not 'allowed' to share, so they feel as if they need to bring it up. You know, to ensure I feel left out. I know that isn't necessarily so, but that doesn't change how I feel about it.

There's a strange phenomenon about abuse. Whenever it's spoken about, it's a subject of deepest shame. Sexual abuse especially is one of the few crimes where the victim is more frowned upon than the actual person who did the crime.

I need to talk about this because nobody lets me talk about it.

Imagine, not being able to share a large portion of your life with anybody. Not your parents, your best friend, or your spouse. You can't tell a soul. A person is a sum of many things- one of which is his upbringing. Most of you, if you are lucky, have had a good childhood. I hope you recognize how incredibly lucky you are. Even if you were neglected- when I was alone, I was better off.

If you had a good childhood, you're really not going to understand how lonely not being able to talk is. How strange and deformed you feel. How ugly and worthless. Most people dress up, wanting to look goth or whatever so they can complain about how people look at them. People want to be different from each other.

I've always been jealous of normality. How I've always wanted to play the childhood memory game! After the first person has shared ("My most painful memory was when I was building a tree house and I hit my hand with the hammer") I panic. I can't breathe anymore. I look around the classroom or whatever, thinking that everyone must know, somehow. My first thought is, 'I need to make something up before it's my turn'. I'm terrible with making up good child memories.

So instead, I choose a memory that I see as harmless, or even funny. This is where it's really, painfully obvious that I'm different. The room goes quiet. People stare, and there might be a nervous cough. I'm the only person laughing.

I find it insensitive. I'm sharing my most 'innocent' memories, and they're still not good enough! I have this desire to tell people to suck it up- if I can laugh about it, the least you can do is laugh with me! I hate having to hide who I am all the time. It's tiring and degrading. It reminds me of what a monster I feel like I am.

I want to be who I am- completely and truely- with someone. Preferably more than one someone. Christians go to church, comic fans go to conventions, gay people have villages and a flag and a parade. I want that. I want a place that people like me can go to and feel, for once in our lives, like we're not being judged. I want to be able to share my darkest, most terrible memories. I want to feel normal.

We deserve a flag. If you're reading this, you or someone you know has been through this.

We deserve conventions. 1 in 3 women are sexually abused before we're eighteen, and that's only the people who actually came out about it. Know what that means?

We deserve parades. We make up at least a third of the population, after all. Most of the people who read my blog are my friends, and I can guarantee that I'm not the only one you know who it's happened to.

The Wounded Heart

2010-05-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: Still talking about my childhood feelings and such. May bother you, and some of the language is (somewhat) graphic. Also, this will be the last time I mention the 'Wounded Heart' book, for the sanity of my readers.

I've been thinking about the nature of abuse lately, even more so than normal. I guess it's understandable, it's a subject that cuts close to home for me. I'm taking steps right now to try to patch up what happened to me, so maybe I can get a sense of closure. It's becoming painful, and I'm thinking about those people a lot. I'm thinking of home a lot, and if you can believe it, I'm getting homesick.

I tried calling someone I used to live with last night (from St George, my hometown), and I tried a few different times. She never answered the phone. Why am I doing this? It feels so compulsive. I put those people- or at least I thought I did- behind me for many reasons.

So anyway, I told Joseph my feelings of loneliness and isolation. How it makes me feel that I cannot share my childhood memories with people because I'm afraid of upsetting or offending them. There is nobody I can completely share myself with, and I imagine many other survivors must feel the same way.

My last post, I mentioned a book called 'The Wounded Heart' by Dr Allender. I've read through it more than once, even though it's distasteful. (Another compulsion, perhaps?)

In some ways, this book has made me feel grateful. Some of the people he's worked with are complete nutjobs- people who can't get aroused unless they're pretending they're getting raped or something. People who felt their bodies respond to the abuse (because that's how God made our bodies, remember) but I had sent up a prayer right then- thank you God, that I only experienced terrible pain and fear.

I never thought I'd be thankful for that one.

This Dr Allender thinks he's entitled, because he believes he's been abused. Forced masturbation at a camp (how on earth..?) a 'homosexual invitation' he turned down in Boy Scouts ( I hardly think an invitation to anything can qualify as abuse, especially when he's turned it down) and a sexual assault at a football camp. Okay, the football camp thing might be valid. Hard to tell, with what this guy considers abuse.

What is abuse? According to Dr Allender, sexual abuse is 'any contact or interaction (visual, verbal, or psychological) between a child/ adolescent and an adult when the child/ adolescent is being used for the sexual stimulation of the perpetrator or any other person'.

I can't seem to bring myself to believe that. My father would often leer at me, make comments about my body, ask if my boobs felt a certain way, and so on. I could agree that would be verbal/ emotional abuse. Sexual? Not so sure. The doctor says that 'sexually abusive words produce the same damage as sexually abusive contact'. Strange. I'm pretty sure I've never stayed up crying over the things my father said to me, even though they were inappropriate.

Dr Allender calls for strange things in the name of 'healing'. He says to trust people (in a chapter beforehand, he says that many victims trust too much, which gets them abused again) and to love unconditionally. To love every person unconditionally. I think this is asking too much of any person- whether or not they've been through something like this.

He says to love your abuser. I've come a long way in my journey of healing. It may not seem that way to people close to me, because I still feel the need to talk about it. (I suspect it's something to do with the fact I can't talk to anyone about this) I've confronted with my main abuser, which is what this book recommends. I can understand that it could give the survivor a sense of closure. My abuser pretended like he didn't even know what I was talking about, which is pretty painful. (Oh, sorry, I guess I imagined it. Give me a break)

This Dr Allender though, believes you need to not only approach the abuser, but to love him (or her). He says that you should seek a relationship with the person! You know, because the law doesn't already favour the abuser, and because the family doesn't already prefer the abusers side of the story. Talk about a kick in the teeth.

I have managed to put a lot of stuff behind me. I forgave my abusers long ago, but the fact that this guy is requesting this of people is asking too much, I think. I forgave the man who hated and beat me, and sent that other man up to hurt me- doesn't mean I want or need him to be a daily part of my life. How is any person supposed to grow beyond this kind of betrayal if the person who did it is sitting at your dinner table?

How could you ever put it behind you?

I wouldn't recommend this book to anyone, least of all a person with a traumatic past. The bad completely outweighs the good, especially with Dr Allender's holier- than- thou approach. I'd like to see him invite his football camp people to HIS supper table, just to see if he can practice what he preaches.

Different Tangent

2010-05-03T14:12:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: If the subject of abuse bothers you, then you either have to suck it up, or just don't bother reading this particular post. It happens, get used to it. In all likely hood, it never happened to you, so grow up. Now, on with the show.

My fiancée bought me this book a while ago, 'The Wounded Heart' by Dr. Allender. I had mentioned something about my feelings of isolation. I'm the only person I know in my life situation right now. It's like being the only person in a crowd with an obvious limp or something.

Dr Allender is a Christian psychologist, and that was the other reason Joseph bought me the book- see, we'd be on like, on the same wavelength. The book was insulting, and definitely written in a holier- than- thou tone. One of the reasons it was insulting?

Ignoring the fact that it was telling me that I should actively pursue a relationship with my abusers (which I've actually tried before. I was more insulted on the behalf of other people reading the book), I was insulted at the insinuations that Satan was at fault for what these people are doing.

I was abused by many people, for many years, in a number of ways. When a person says that 'Satan' caused these men/ women/ monsters to do these things, it feels to me like you're saying that they shouldn't be held responsible for their actions.

It's also like saying that the abuse was the fault of the victim. Why is it that our society heaps all this blame on the victims?

I have been held accountable for my abuse- as if it was my fault and I had orchestrated it to happen somehow. (Oh yes, I was so very conniving when I was three.)

I don't understand why I feel so much guilt and shame for what happened.

I don't understand my overwhelming sense of isolation. I'm glad that most people I know haven't been harmed in this way. Yet... yet I crave to be around people like me. Alcoholics get a group. Gay people get parades and a flag and villages, and maybe even special rights. Religious people have churches, mosques, and synagogues. Everyone has a community they go to and they feel accepted.

Christians (I am one, as well) don't tend to like people like me. A lot of them just see me as something that was sullied, and therefore not marriage material. I understand, to a degree, emotional baggage notwithstanding.

But I never asked for it to happen. I was told by an Anglican priest once that my abuser was attracted to the demons I was carrying. When he did what he did, he also transferred more demons into/ onto me. She also assumed he was gay. (Because a gay man abusing a girl makes oh so much sense)

Why do I have these feelings when my abusers do not? Why am I the one who has to feel this?

Why, after all these years, do I sometimes feel like the wounds are still fresh? Why do I feel like I'm the only one? (Especially when I know I definitely am not?)

I desire to meet other people like me, who have this 'dark mark' on their soul. To admit this makes me feel... ashamed. I feel like a freak.

I feel like there's something wrong with me- I should be happy that I'm surrounded by normal, decently- adjusted people.

But all I feel is alone.

Running

2010-04-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

The hair I finally decided on for Lieza. She's running from some bad people... It was suggested to me to lighten her skin, but I couldn't bear to part from such a lovely colour...

Chillaxin'

2010-04-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

A cute, overly- feminine Tobias with an odd face and poor background. PS, I found the problem- I downloaded Google Chrome and suddenly Blogger is working for me! Kudos to my mother, who suggested Chrome as I dislike Firefox.

Princess Rhiannon

2010-02-01T13:54:00.000-08:00

Naked cat princess thing, sitting.

2010-01-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

Maladie and Lucius, the drow twins I made for D&D. She is desperately in love with her brother, and because she was sheltered her entire life, she doesn't realize that this could be a bad thing. So yes, they're good drow, but I made sure they weren't perfect ><

more updates of love

2010-01-19T14:47:00.001-08:00

These images are a little older, but I'm still pretty proud of them, and I've never shared them with you before.

I'm Back!

2010-01-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

Firstly, I'm going to post the Christmas card I designed for certain people. This may subdue the wrath of the masses.

I lost all ability to come here for the longest time, and I feel like I owe all the people who ever looked at this expecting an update an apology. So, any of my classmates reading this, if I don't have you on my blog as a link, let me know and I'll add you. The deal is, you should have me too. It's only decent.

I'm going to update my header, soon, seeing as I haven't been blonde in a dog's age. I may ask Laura Blackbeard (her link should be over there on the left) for her help. Now, to see if I can give you some things before I go- I hope you like them all.

fix up

2008-04-09T17:16:00.000-07:00

So... this is what happens, I guess, when I get down. I suppose everyone has their own form of 'vent art', and while I understand and enjoy the whole blood and gore scene people seem so fond of... well, there's good reasons I don't vent in that way. So... I tend to use garish and blinding colours, draw half naked men, and make people look like they shop at the Salvation Army. Despite that, though, Tobias is looking much better than he did before I changed the colour theme.

Just letting ya'll know I'm still alive, I guess...

I'm here nao

2008-04-06T16:05:00.001-07:00

I'm not going to like this place, I don't think. It's confusing me, so please bear with me until I catch on. I'll do a better banner the second I can think of something interesting... and here's just a little something I did on Flash a while ago, I thought it might be a good idea to start with an image of some kind...